I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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