No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
