so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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