I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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