I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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