Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
