I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
