If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
