I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
