mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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