Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
