If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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