my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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