If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
