I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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