why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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