I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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