It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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