hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
