Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
