somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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