I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
