i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I need a burrito and a hug.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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