dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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