Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
