This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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