no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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