An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
