i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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