Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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