He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
