I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
