I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
