my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
