Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he fucked my hip out of place.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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