so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
