Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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