I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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