Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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