PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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