hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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