She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
