look no pants
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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