I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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