you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
