I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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