I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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