I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
