what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
