I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
