dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
